I was diagnosed at age 14 in 1976.  Oldest of 4.  My youngest sister being 5 years younger.  Athlete.  A- student.  Son of a Doctor.  Disney World type childhood, or so it seemed.  The family dysfunction began to raise its ugly head right around this time.  My parents would divorce 6 years later after 5 years of increasing dysfunction.  

I often used “my diabetes” as an excuse to be the victim.  I manipulated others because I was sick and I could die.  I could die.  Back then, children didn’t think about dying.  The diagnosis of T1D was an expression of the dysfunction of everything around me.  It felt like both the cause and the effect.  I also, felt like a victim because I was told I did nothing to bring it on.  What was I?  Why me?  Are you freaking kidding?  Perfect set up to become “The Victim of Circumstances.”  This “attitude” magically produced a myriad of ‘valid’ and ‘reliable’ excuses to not be responsible for myself and to others.  I developed into that kind of person.  Then, after hitting a, proverbial, bottom, I engaged myself in a concerted, intensified and sustained effort to make a break through and transform/change.  Something had to change.  My A1c’s were in the 11’s and I was not doing the things I knew I was suppose to do while, at the same time, engaging and ingesting activities and whatever that were not good for me.

It took about 6 months.  It consisted of intense physical workouts, focus on food as fuel instead of something to fill desire, acupuncture, cranial sacral therapy, Chinese herbs, massage, yoga, meditation and inquiry into a few spiritual/metaphysical perspectives.  

The “Tipping Point” was the moment that I became aware that I was 100% responsible.  Not 0%.  Not 50%.  Not 99%.  It wasn’t a decision.  I didn’t commit to anything as far as becoming more responsible or accepting responsibility even though these things happened.  NO.  It is more like a veil came of something that had been covered up.  I believe this veil came off because I made the effort to push my current edge. 

Is it my Fault?  Who, in the end, is to blame?  I know this much, and as I write it maybe it is the blessing to the curse…..I am the Cause instead of the Effect of Diabetes.  Because I choose this position I am more “response”-“able” to handle what arises.   That is my personal experience.

Every Day…….

I get out of bed.  Check my blood sugar….pee…put a pot of coffee on…..check my site…..check insulin left in pump…..drink my coffee……..bolus a number I think will “cover” my food intake.  I’m hungry…..I eat…..check blood sugar again….it’s freakin 221…What happened??…Should I change my site?  Mingya.  My foot is going to fall off.  I’m going to go blind.  I’m feeling low.  Maybe I should check bg again.  It never fucken ends.  You can do it. 

I went to this really cool place in Massachusetts called Kripalu.  It is a wellness type retreat center that certifies yoga teachers and massage teachers and other healing modalities.  I made a bit of money back in the early 2000’s and took some time off from “working.”  I had been doing Bikram yoga for about 5 years and wanted to deepen my yoga “practice.”  I decided to do a month long 200 hour Kripalu Yoga Teacher Training Program.  

One of my teachers who specializes in restorative yoga and yoga for people with ‘disabilities.’ upon learning that I was Type 1, said, and I quote…”NOW THAT IS A YOGA POSE.”  

There are three ‘stages’ to Kripalu Yoga and they offer a, perhaps, valid “map” for us Type 1’s who are trying to balance in the BLOOD SUGAr MANAGEMENT POSE WHILE INJECTING INSULIN BECAUSE OUR BODY, CURRENTLY, CHOOSES NOT TO PRODUCE IT FOR WHATEVER REASON IT HAS.

The Three Stages:

1.  Proper Alignment.  This stage is about confronting the reality of the situation with integrity and head on.  The most profound awareness I had about 25 years ago was the I was 100% responsible for my condition.  One of my mentors is quoted as saying, “99% commitment is a bitch, 100% commitment is a cinch.”  This thing is doable.  I am proof of that.  I am not the perfect person living with diabetes.  Far from it.  But the one thing I never did was deny that I had to deal with it.  I made a 100% commitment to be response-able.  No room to be the victim.  This is “RIGHT ALIGNMENT.”

2.  Find and Explore Your Edge:  Every-body is different.  There is no exact right way to “do” a yoga pose.  More important than what you look like or how far you can get is that you are doing with “right effort.”  Right effort is an honest and humble assessment of where you are at and where you can go.  It is never beneficial to “push” a yoga pose past your edge.  It creates an atmosphere of unnecessary danger and invites an increased opportunity for injury, or worse.  Find your edge and then “play” your edge.

3.  Authentic Free Expression:  For me this is when I realize a cure.     

It was 1982 and I was a sophomore in college.  I guess I was 20 years of age.  I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at age 14.  I was always a bit nervous speaking in front of the class.  I had a crush on this beautiful girl who was in my class.  We were friends but I was pining for something a bit more.  What’s new?  

We were taking this class on Political Philosophy.  Reading Aristotle, Plato, Thucydides, Hobbs, etc…  Only NPH back then and no “test” strips.  I got called on to read from Plato’s Republic.  I felt a rush of blood running through my heart, lungs and brain.  I was thrust into flight and fight and I was dropping low fast.  I started to read and I sounded like I had marbles in my mouth.  I could not do it.  The professor showed no mercy and had me read an entire page with my speech coming out like my mouth was stitched up.  Suffice it to say I never got to first base with Betty (not her real name to protect the innocent). 

When we are low we are comprised.  And when a major stress event happens we go into flight and fight or maybe, instead, fear or facade?  It happens and it has an effect that reverberates throughout our life.  This is a “problem.”  I know a lot of people don’t like that word “problem” …… Instead, some like to call it a challenge.  Whatever.  I like the word problem.  Sticking with it.  So what is the solution?

I am turning 57 in a few weeks.  I really didn’t think I would get to 42.  So, the way I see it, I am 15 years into bonus time.  One profound awareness I have “received” through my work, study, challenges and, especially, my living with diabetes is that the KEY to life must include in it somewhere the concept of RESTRICTION.  What do I mean?  The Buddha calls it The Middle path.  Some call it The Tao or The Way.  Think about it this way……The way electricity works.  There is a positive pole and there is a negative pole.  In order to create Lasting Light one must add a third element called the Resistor or, in other words, Restriction.  If the negative pole connects directly to the positive pole with no resistor or filament then there is a bright spark of Light followed by a short circuit.  When the filament is added a current is created and presto……LIGHT.

This concept applies to our challenge of living with diabetes and the problem of being low or high or in range or whenever, but, especially when we are low.  Restrict your first impulse to react.  Even but for a moment.  See what happens.   

I believe, this is a deep spiritual insight that we as T1D’s live out all day…everyday and have the opportunity to become masters of, or not.

Namaste.