I was diagnosed at age 14 in 1976. Oldest of 4. My youngest sister being 5 years younger. Athlete. A- student. Son of a Doctor. Disney World type childhood, or so it seemed. The family dysfunction began to raise its ugly head right around this time. My parents would divorce 6 years later after 5 years of increasing dysfunction.
I often used “my diabetes” as an excuse to be the victim. I manipulated others because I was sick and I could die. I could die. Back then, children didn’t think about dying. The diagnosis of T1D was an expression of the dysfunction of everything around me. It felt like both the cause and the effect. I also, felt like a victim because I was told I did nothing to bring it on. What was I? Why me? Are you freaking kidding? Perfect set up to become “The Victim of Circumstances.” This “attitude” magically produced a myriad of ‘valid’ and ‘reliable’ excuses to not be responsible for myself and to others. I developed into that kind of person. Then, after hitting a, proverbial, bottom, I engaged myself in a concerted, intensified and sustained effort to make a break through and transform/change. Something had to change. My A1c’s were in the 11’s and I was not doing the things I knew I was suppose to do while, at the same time, engaging and ingesting activities and whatever that were not good for me.
It took about 6 months. It consisted of intense physical workouts, focus on food as fuel instead of something to fill desire, acupuncture, cranial sacral therapy, Chinese herbs, massage, yoga, meditation and inquiry into a few spiritual/metaphysical perspectives.
The “Tipping Point” was the moment that I became aware that I was 100% responsible. Not 0%. Not 50%. Not 99%. It wasn’t a decision. I didn’t commit to anything as far as becoming more responsible or accepting responsibility even though these things happened. NO. It is more like a veil came of something that had been covered up. I believe this veil came off because I made the effort to push my current edge.
Is it my Fault? Who, in the end, is to blame? I know this much, and as I write it maybe it is the blessing to the curse…..I am the Cause instead of the Effect of Diabetes. Because I choose this position I am more “response”-“able” to handle what arises. That is my personal experience.