I remember a few years after being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes that I wrote a letter to my family. The letter was an attempt to describe what it was like to live with the condition. It is hard to describe because the trauma of the dis-ease is strong and multifaceted. In other words, it is not just physical. It affects the energy self, the mental, the emotional, the financial, the social……everything. I described how it felt like I was sent to the circus to perform the high wire act with no safety net. Everyday; 24/7 I was trying to balance on the thin wire of blood sugar control. It was an impossible task.
At the end of the letter, after describing what it was like, all I felt was sadness, hopelessness, victim consciousness, remorse, guilt, self-pity, resentment…should I go on? I ended the letter with a heartfelt and surrendering statement. All I could say was “I AM SORRY.” I could see how me being “sick” was affecting others and I felt like there was nothing I could do to “fix it.” My remorse was filled with embarrassment, shame and a sense of helplessness.Read more: Teshuvah Continue reading Teshuvah