cognitive dissonance

Do you have COGNITIVE DISSONANCE?  We all have cognitive dissonance. It’s the nature of the reality we live in.  Anything arises does so with a polar opposite as well as all ‘points’ between the two. If you don’t have cognitive dissonance then you are immersed in the delusion of Maya.  What the hell does this have to do with Diabetes???

When I was 27 (In my 13th year since diagnosis), I was asked by a local hospital to be on an exploratory committee to explore the need for a “treatment/support program” that focused on the psycho-social issues surrounding the dis-ease of diabetes in children between the ages of 8-16.  A diagnosis of diabetes quickly creates an environment of chaos and emergence-y.  It’s similar to something going seriously wrong on a plane and the oxygen masks are deployed.  A “Correction” to the system must be instituted.  That correction, of course, is injectable insulin.  Hopefully, the plane is brought under “control” somehow by the pilots and a semblance of balance is restored.  But the plane will never be the same.  

As we were exploring, we came to believe, that, while the children were certainly dealing with a lot of emotional, mental and social issues, it was, in fact, the parents, who were most impacted.  We decided to turn our focus to a parents’ group.  We did a “pilot” program and a father who was obviously distressed because his eleven year old daughter was newly diagnosed, asked me……”How do you ever accept this?”

I felt his sense of hopelessness and helplessness.  He understood that the situation was serious and, I he was scared.  

I told him that the biggest desire I had was to cure the diabetes in myself.  I told him that I believed I could and that, therefore, I could never fully accept it.  I told him that I had been living and surviving with it for 13 years and, while challenging, it was doable. I will never forget this father asking me the question and the look on his face.  My father was a doctor.  He was always able to “fix” anything that went wrong with us.  He could not fix this.  

In my opinion, what must be accepted in order to get “the plane” back under enough control to keep flying is a continuous expansion of response-ability to the situation we face.  We are tasked with employing, understanding, managing and constantly monitoring a perpetual motion of the physical body that has been destroyed.  I have utilized a 5 step process …..

1. Confront head on, with integrity the reality of the situation. It’s a tough one but it is doable.  When I was diagnosed, I took one shot of long acting insulin in the morning and peed on a strip to see how much sugar I was spilling in my urine.  I was “flying blind.”  Today, we have pumps and CGM’s and much more knowledge of what is needed to stay in at a safe blood glucose “altitude” and stem off future complications.

2. Explore, Inquire and increase understanding of what needs to be accounted for and the feedback needed to continually improve results.

3. Integrate the quality of our confrontation and understanding to employ a system to manage both our blood glucose levels and our life.

4. Become a Master of this challenge and inspiration to others.  Doing this reduces self suffering and the suffering of others.  This was the Buddha’s objective; Find the cause of suffering and how to eradicate it. Diabetes has a way of creating an environment for immense suffering because it is something not wanted and appears as though it won’t go away.

5. Validate our results and share with others.  I sometimes call this 5th and final step “Celebration.”

This is a cyclical process and therefore we are constantly moving on to the “next step.”  A great Zen Master said, “The practice of Zen is like traveling along a circle.  Does not matter much where you are.  What is important is to keep moving.”

The metaphor of the plane is, obviously, to the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual body of the afflicted.  However, it is also comparable to the family unit.  In my experience, I am very aware how it has affected my siblings, my parents, my friends, my coworkers, my coaches, my team mates…etc….

When a child “gets it” the parent or parents are our co-pilots in assisting us to fly our own plane. I cannot tell you how much gratitude I have for the people around me who have supported me through this journey, which I am now into my 43rd year of.  There are times when I was not response-able and there were times when I was all over it.  There were times when I had a hard time confronting it head on and there were times when I said “bring it on.”  

Over the years I have written about my experience with diabetes.  I wrote a blog series called “Transforming Diabetes.”  My most recent blog is called “The Yellow Brick Road.” where I explore the 5 step process a bit deeper.  

I know that there is a “CURE.”  I know it because I desire it.  As long as I am here I will continue to work the process that I have discovered that has enabled me to stay here.  I will never accept that this will not change.  I believe that a deep Kabbalistic concept to be true.  That concept is that – Fulfillment is the seed of Desire.”  That implies that any desire we have, has, as its’ seed, its fulfillment.  Talk about cognitive dissonance!  

Support Group

I was at a support group meeting a few years back.  I was living in Boca Raton, Fl, at the time.  I was doing good.  On an upswing in life.  I had been attending this meeting every month for the last few years and had a “reputation” of someone to follow or learn from.  

A mother of a newly diagnosed 11 year old girl came to the the meeting.  You could see the desperation in her face.  Looking back, she was seeking validation that it was going to be ok.  When she “shared” she began talking about all the great things her daughter had done and how the diabetes had not slowed her down.  

Then I fucked up.  It was my turn to share and I needed to keep my reputation up and I was seeing the denial the mother was showing and I used a word that catapulted her from Denial to Anger.  I used the word disability.  I talked about how having T1D was a dis-ability.  I knew first hand.  I played hockey and soccer at a fairly high level throughout college.  At times, I was at a disadvantage.  Didn’t mean I couldn’t play. But….it was harder for me with diabetes than if not.

Having diabetes is a handicap.  OOOPS! I used another word that literally had her out of her seat.  I played on the golf team too.  Any of you who play golf know that everyone has a handicap.  

Ok.  I was now under full attack.  By the way, where was the daughter?  Why wasn’t she at the meeting?  Too young?  Over protected?  I don’t know…

Why I am writing about this?  It was a long time ago.  Well…..I’ve been on this Beyond Type 1 site for a few weeks posting a couple posts and reading the posts of others.  And I am awakening to the fact that it really doesn’t matter if you are right or wrong, if you are struggling or you are unicorn whisperer, what matters most is finding a way to validate where you are at right now.  To make it ok because this is a long trek…

The mother didn’t want to be pushed that night to see the reality of her daughter’s dis-ease.  She wanted to be supported.  At the time I thought that enlightening her to the truth of the matter was support.  This is not always the case.  Sometimes you just need to be listened to and understood.  

For me, the reality is that this condition has been a real battle.  It has mostly got in my way and altered my perception of life.  I’m 57 years old and I didn’t plan on being here this long.  Now what?  Well…..If nothing else….today I would like to think that instead of triggering that mom with a reality that she did not need to address at the time…I would have validated her for being there and being an excellent “co-pilot” in her daughters “flight.”   

If it wasn’t for my mom I wouldn’t have made it this far………

The Path……

I’m tired.  I know….no one wants hear that from someone else.  It’s ok on this site because there is an “upfront agreement” that it’s appropriate to ‘vent’ or express hardship because we all share a similar challenge that few others can even begin to relate to.  I’m in my 43rd year since becoming aware that I “had” T1D.  I’m 56 years of age fast approaching 57.  . . .  Boy, could I tell you some stories……But that’s not the point of this post.  What is the point?  

I don’t have any complications other than the naturally prevalent and evolving Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  A few years ago I told my doctor that I was feeling increased anxiety and the blues.  He suggested I sit down and chat with someone.  I did.  After three sessions I got my diagnosis.  Now….I completed one year of graduate school in psychology so I was somewhat cognizant of the many possible psychiatric disorders that have been invented including the 10 personality disorders.  Yes, it was 1995 when I learned all about this stuff and, therefore, I was not completely up to date.  And the field of psychology has been, is and will probably continue to be in a state of constant “flux.”  Therefore, I was surprised to find out that I was diagnosed with a new personality disorder called “Adjustment Disorder.”  My first reaction was …. DUH.  Then I laughed.  I said to my “counselor:…”Of course, half sarcastically, it makes perfect sense!  How does one really adjust to T1D?  Because, to be honest, it’s a clusterfuck; an impossible task.  Yet, I am still here.

The therapist went on…..It is like “Cognitive Dissonance.”  I said, “Of course it is.” Then I said….”What do you suggest I do?”  All of this……The diabetes, the adjustment disorder, the cognitive dissonance, the left vs. the right, good and evil, Light and Dark, YIN and YANG…..is the duality of our lives.  

I am tired of this interplay between my physical body, and my maladjusted mind and injected insulin.  This dissonance.  This adjustment disorder.  This dysfunction.  This DIS-EASE.  Results in such UN-EASE at times.  It’s Exhausting.

What’s the point?  Is it just survival?  Because, at times, that is the way it is……Crawling to the fridge at 3am with a blood sugar of 28….downing a pint of lemonade and eating a bag of chips with french onion dip…disconnecting my pump because just the thought of more insulin dripping in is deeply alarming….passing out as the blood sugar begins to elevate….waking up at 7am with a mouth so dry I can’t talk….Headache. feel like I ran into a brick wall…check bg…412…..get out the syringes…pump it up!

You can do it Michael, says my family, friends and supporters.  Most don’t even know the battle, of course….and those that do …….know that I can do it…at times.  At times..I am just tired.  

What do I do now?  It does feel like I am in the season of “End Times.”  Kinda coincides with all that’s happening in our world.  Things are about to change.  It doesn’t look good or maybe it does?  Because you can’t have anything in this life without its polar opposite.

Here is my point……There has to be a blessing to this curse.  This sucks.  There must be a reason.  I know through my yoga practice and other studies of a TRUTH that keeps me going even though I am tired.  I know that “This too shall pass.”  I’ve been through a lot with diabetes.  Been low and been high.  It is more difficult for us to find the middle path than with someone with a normal physical body.  Or maybe not!  I believe that the blessing of diabetes is in the lesson it teaches us about the arising of the polar opposites…of the duality….of the interplay between yin and yang and the battle between Light and Dark.  

The Buddha would put it this way….”It is equanimity and awareness.  Like the wings of a bird.  Or the two wheels of a cart.  When practiced together they lead to liberation from suffering.  If either is weak or lacking, it is impossible to progress along the path.” 

Buckminster Fuller says….”Total Accountability and Total Feedback Constitute the minimum and only perpetual motion system.”

Kripalu yoga instructs.. ..”First Proper Alignment …Second..Find and explore your edge.”

While my physical body and mind grow weary….my heart and soul are beginning to awaken to the “hope” that there is more to this than surviving.  I won’t get religious.  But allow me to inject a spiritual perspective to inquire into if so inspired.  If easily triggered by this topic please stop reading here.

The Kabbalists……And btw, Kabbalah is not a religion.  It is more like a spiritual map or decoding program of the “spiritual world.  Trigger alert!!  Jesus was a Kabbalist.  Anyway, they would say that the purpose of life comes down to an understanding of The Creation Story itself and the “Why” behind it.  And, without expounding on those things at this time……We are here because of the need for, In Hebrew everyone…… TIKUNE.  TIKUNE, defined, means “Fixing” or “Rectification.”  What needs to be fixed?  What needs to be rectified?  The answer is our VESSEL TO RECEIVE THE LIGHT OF FULFILLMENT;  THE LIGHT OF THE CREATOR.  Why does it need to be fixed?  Well…that’s the questions isn’t it?  Kinda like Jeopardy.  

Again, I am not writing this to promote a faith or a dogmatic system of understanding our existence……There are many “maps” of the territory.  I have referenced several in this post already….Yoga, The Buddha, Chinese Medicine, Kabbalah.  Bucky Fuller …… But for a moment suspend your disbelief and consider Diabetes…….

We are missing the “key” that opens the “door” to the cells (vessels) of our body that permits glucose (energy, light) to flow. ….. It is said that the opponent always attacks through the immune system.   It must.  Why was our immune system comprised?  

Ok.  I will wrap up for now…..I feel a little better.  Thanks.

The Five Phases – a map of the territory

The Five Phases

A Map of The Territory

An Approach to Mastery and Transcendence of Diabetes

I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes (T1D) in November of 1976 at the age of 14.  T1D is one of the most misunderstood physical conditions.  I believe it is misunderstood because, in a normal body, the affected systems are in perpetual motion without conscious thought.  Furthermore, it is complicated.  There are some fundamental components to the system which was destroyed through a roque immune system response. The fundamental components include food, insulin, physical activity, blood glucose levels, injections, finger pricks, water….But there are other factors that have influence on this system of insulin production and use.  Factors like stress, sickness, depression, infusion site issues, finances, complications, being different, performance issues…..It effects every other system of the body because all of the systems seem to be integrated.

Over the 42 years that I have had to manually inject insulin while keeping my blood sugar levels in a “safe” range in order to physically survive, I have become somewhat of a “systems inquirer.”  There are infinite systems throughout the universe and within the physical body.  There are many ways to describe a system.  A description is a map.  A map of the territory.  As T1D’s the doctor or the CDE will be talking and it will sound like blah, blah, blah, sometimes because it is such a rudimentary map they are presenting and we have heard it before.  We know that there is no way they could possibly understand.  My mother and my brother and a few close friends are the closest to understanding but they stop short when they become aware of how horrible it really is.  Few people understand the feeling of blood sugar swings like we do.  All of them have needed a snickers bar because they got irritated.  A few have passed out because they are hypoglycemic.  But none of them know what it feels like day in and day out with the sword of Damocles hanging over us in the form of potential “complications”.

There is no one way to describe a map.  I have found it beneficial to look at several maps of the same or similar territories in order cultivate a deeper understanding of the territory.  And since joining this site I have been inspired to chip through my 2 year long writer’s block and get it done.  I have written for several years and posted a lot of it in my blog and website.  I believe the link is in my profile.  A few years back I wrote a blog series called “Transforming Diabetes.” It’s a 9 blog series where I am attempting to describe the system of managing bg’s as a T1D and integrate some yoga system principles throughout.  Two years ago I wrote a blog series called “The Yellow Brick Road.”  Both blog series are on the tab portion.  Now I am starting to write the “Five Phases.”  I am excited about getting this done because it is really the culmination of 25 years of work. 

The Five Phases will be a description (a map) of living with diabetes in this world (the territory).  I will be presenting multiple perspectives of systems. Buckminster Fuller was one of this most prolific thinkers and inventors of the 20th Century.  He was the ultimate systems guy.  He said in a long essay where he was re-thinking the Lord’s Prayer and the Creation of the Universe:

“Total Accountability and Total Feedback

Constitute the minimum and only

Perpetual Motion System.”

The System we must put in place, monitor, manage, carry around and live with is no different.

Life AS a type 1 diabetic

Yes, low carbs helps.  Figure out your trends.  Test a lot.  Workout.  Fast to check your basal rates.  Workout.  Drink Water.  Meditate.  Don’t give up.  Hang tough.  I am not a very good diabetic in the sense of all those things.  There are times when I was all over it.  There were times I didn’t get off the couch and ate potato chips and beer.  Cultivate the attitude of private investigator.  Think of managing blood sugars like flying a plane.  The food you eat is your fuel.  The insulin is the acceleration system.  Your test strips or CGM is your altimeter.  The physical condition of the plane is the physical condition of your body.  Connect to the “Athlete Within.”  Take some time to find your “Edge.”  Inquire into yoga.  Hang tough!  I’m still here after 43 years of this nonsense. Could go at any moment though. “I’m hovering like fly waiting for the windshield on the highway.”  Lyrics from one of my favorite albums……Put the headphones on.

 In the meantime, I quest on for a cure.  Namaste.