I’m tired. I know….no one wants hear that from someone else. It’s ok on this site because there is an “upfront agreement” that it’s appropriate to ‘vent’ or express hardship because we all share a similar challenge that few others can even begin to relate to. I’m in my 43rd year since becoming aware that I “had” T1D. I’m 56 years of age fast approaching 57. . . . Boy, could I tell you some stories……But that’s not the point of this post. What is the point?
I don’t have any complications other than the naturally prevalent and evolving Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. A few years ago I told my doctor that I was feeling increased anxiety and the blues. He suggested I sit down and chat with someone. I did. After three sessions I got my diagnosis. Now….I completed one year of graduate school in psychology so I was somewhat cognizant of the many possible psychiatric disorders that have been invented including the 10 personality disorders. Yes, it was 1995 when I learned all about this stuff and, therefore, I was not completely up to date. And the field of psychology has been, is and will probably continue to be in a state of constant “flux.” Therefore, I was surprised to find out that I was diagnosed with a new personality disorder called “Adjustment Disorder.” My first reaction was …. DUH. Then I laughed. I said to my “counselor:…”Of course, half sarcastically, it makes perfect sense! How does one really adjust to T1D? Because, to be honest, it’s a clusterfuck; an impossible task. Yet, I am still here.
The therapist went on…..It is like “Cognitive Dissonance.” I said, “Of course it is.” Then I said….”What do you suggest I do?” All of this……The diabetes, the adjustment disorder, the cognitive dissonance, the left vs. the right, good and evil, Light and Dark, YIN and YANG…..is the duality of our lives.
I am tired of this interplay between my physical body, and my maladjusted mind and injected insulin. This dissonance. This adjustment disorder. This dysfunction. This DIS-EASE. Results in such UN-EASE at times. It’s Exhausting.
What’s the point? Is it just survival? Because, at times, that is the way it is……Crawling to the fridge at 3am with a blood sugar of 28….downing a pint of lemonade and eating a bag of chips with french onion dip…disconnecting my pump because just the thought of more insulin dripping in is deeply alarming….passing out as the blood sugar begins to elevate….waking up at 7am with a mouth so dry I can’t talk….Headache. feel like I ran into a brick wall…check bg…412…..get out the syringes…pump it up!
You can do it Michael, says my family, friends and supporters. Most don’t even know the battle, of course….and those that do …….know that I can do it…at times. At times..I am just tired.
What do I do now? It does feel like I am in the season of “End Times.” Kinda coincides with all that’s happening in our world. Things are about to change. It doesn’t look good or maybe it does? Because you can’t have anything in this life without its polar opposite.
Here is my point……There has to be a blessing to this curse. This sucks. There must be a reason. I know through my yoga practice and other studies of a TRUTH that keeps me going even though I am tired. I know that “This too shall pass.” I’ve been through a lot with diabetes. Been low and been high. It is more difficult for us to find the middle path than with someone with a normal physical body. Or maybe not! I believe that the blessing of diabetes is in the lesson it teaches us about the arising of the polar opposites…of the duality….of the interplay between yin and yang and the battle between Light and Dark.
The Buddha would put it this way….”It is equanimity and awareness. Like the wings of a bird. Or the two wheels of a cart. When practiced together they lead to liberation from suffering. If either is weak or lacking, it is impossible to progress along the path.”
Buckminster Fuller says….”Total Accountability and Total Feedback Constitute the minimum and only perpetual motion system.”
Kripalu yoga instructs.. ..”First Proper Alignment …Second..Find and explore your edge.”
While my physical body and mind grow weary….my heart and soul are beginning to awaken to the “hope” that there is more to this than surviving. I won’t get religious. But allow me to inject a spiritual perspective to inquire into if so inspired. If easily triggered by this topic please stop reading here.
The Kabbalists……And btw, Kabbalah is not a religion. It is more like a spiritual map or decoding program of the “spiritual world. Trigger alert!! Jesus was a Kabbalist. Anyway, they would say that the purpose of life comes down to an understanding of The Creation Story itself and the “Why” behind it. And, without expounding on those things at this time……We are here because of the need for, In Hebrew everyone…… TIKUNE. TIKUNE, defined, means “Fixing” or “Rectification.” What needs to be fixed? What needs to be rectified? The answer is our VESSEL TO RECEIVE THE LIGHT OF FULFILLMENT; THE LIGHT OF THE CREATOR. Why does it need to be fixed? Well…that’s the questions isn’t it? Kinda like Jeopardy.
Again, I am not writing this to promote a faith or a dogmatic system of understanding our existence……There are many “maps” of the territory. I have referenced several in this post already….Yoga, The Buddha, Chinese Medicine, Kabbalah. Bucky Fuller …… But for a moment suspend your disbelief and consider Diabetes…….
We are missing the “key” that opens the “door” to the cells (vessels) of our body that permits glucose (energy, light) to flow. ….. It is said that the opponent always attacks through the immune system. It must. Why was our immune system comprised?
Ok. I will wrap up for now…..I feel a little better. Thanks.